Why Do I Avoid Things I Actually Want to Do? Understanding PDA in Adults

You want to go to the gym.

You enjoy going to the gym.

You know you'll feel better afterwards.

Yet somehow you spend the next three hours scrolling on your phone, tidying the kitchen, making a cup of tea, and doing almost anything except putting on your trainers.

Or perhaps you've been looking forward to meeting a friend, starting a creative project, replying to an email, or even sitting down to watch a programme you enjoy. The moment it becomes something you need to do, a feeling of resistance appears.

You tell yourself you'll do it later.

Then later becomes tomorrow.

Then you feel frustrated, guilty, or angry with yourself.

Many adults describe this experience as feeling as though they are battling themselves. They know what they want to do, but something gets in the way.

If this sounds familiar, it may be worth exploring whether a profile known as Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), or Persistent Drive for Autonomy, could help explain your experience.

What is PDA?

PDA is a profile associated with autism in which everyday demands can trigger intense feelings of anxiety and a need to maintain autonomy and control.

The word "pathological" can feel uncomfortable and many people prefer the term "Persistent Drive for Autonomy" because it better reflects the internal experience.

The avoidance is not usually about laziness, defiance, manipulation, or a lack of motivation.

Instead, demands can create a genuine sense of threat within the nervous system.

The demand may be external:

• Going to work
• Replying to emails
• Attending appointments
• Completing household tasks

Or internal:

• Going to bed
• Eating lunch
• Drinking water
• Pursuing a hobby you enjoy
• Taking a break when you are tired

This is why many adults with PDA describe feeling confused by their own behaviour. They often want to do something but feel unable to start.

How PDA Can Show Up in Adults

Many adults have developed sophisticated coping strategies and may not realise PDA is influencing their lives.

You might recognise:

Feeling trapped by expectations

Even reasonable requests can feel overwhelming.

You may find yourself reacting strongly to phrases such as:

• "You need to..."
• "Don't forget to..."
• "Have you done...?"

Even when the person is trying to help.

Difficulty with everyday tasks

Simple tasks can feel disproportionately difficult.

You know how to do them.

You may even want to do them.

But something seems to block you.

Needing things to be your idea

Suggestions from others may create resistance.

Yet if you discover the same idea yourself, it suddenly feels possible.

Strong emotional reactions

When demands build up, anxiety may emerge as:

• Irritability
• Anger
• Panic
• Shutdown
• Withdrawal
• Feeling overwhelmed

Inconsistency

One day you complete ten tasks.

The next day you struggle to answer a text message.

Others may see this as laziness or a lack of commitment.

You may see it as personal failure.

Neither explanation is usually accurate.

Perfectionism and procrastination

Many adults with PDA become trapped between:

"I have to do it perfectly"

and

"I can't start at all."

The result is often avoidance followed by self-criticism.

The Hidden Emotional Impact

Many adults spend years believing they are:

• Lazy
• Difficult
• Unmotivated
• Disorganised
• Too sensitive

Repeated experiences of struggling with demands can affect self-esteem and confidence.

Many clients describe feeling exhausted from constantly battling themselves.

The emotional burden is often greater than the practical difficulties.

Strategies That Can Help

Reduce the sense of demand

Try changing:

"I have to do the washing up."

to:

"I might do a few plates."

or

"I'll see what happens if I start for two minutes."

Small changes in language can reduce pressure on the nervous system.

Create choices

Autonomy matters.

Instead of asking:

"What should I do today?"

Try:

• Shall I start with emails or laundry?
• Would I prefer a walk now or later?

Having options can feel less threatening than having a single fixed demand.

Notice your triggers

Keep a record of situations that activate resistance.

You may discover patterns around:

• Time pressure
• Being watched
• Feeling judged
• Lack of flexibility
• Perfectionism

Understanding your triggers often reduces self-blame.

Work with your nervous system

Demand avoidance is often linked to anxiety.

Supporting regulation can make tasks feel more manageable.

This might include:

• Movement
• Walking
• Breathwork
• Music
• Time in nature
• Sensory supports
• Body-based grounding exercises

Use curiosity instead of criticism

When avoidance shows up, try asking:

"What feels difficult about this right now?"

rather than:

"What's wrong with me?"

This shift often creates more space for understanding and change.

A Final Thought

Many adults discover PDA after years of feeling different, misunderstood, or frustrated with themselves.

For some, understanding PDA brings a profound sense of relief.

Not because it removes the challenges, but because it offers a different explanation.

The problem may never have been a lack of motivation, laziness, or willpower.

Instead, your nervous system may have been working very hard to protect your sense of safety, autonomy, and control.

Understanding that can be the first step towards finding kinder and more effective ways of working with yourself.

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