In recent months, headlines and social media posts have drawn attention to the idea of “emotional incest.” It’s a phrase that grabs attention but can also feel unsettling or misunderstood. Many people read it and worry that their childhood relationships were “wrong,” or that their parenting is being judged.
In reality, what’s often being described isn’t about blame or bad parenting. It connects to John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which explores how our early bonds with caregivers shape the way we relate to others later in life.
At its heart, this discussion is about closeness, boundaries, and how family dynamics can sometimes become confusing for a child’s emotional development.
When Roles Become Blurred
Sometimes a parent may lean heavily on a child for emotional support — confiding in them as if they were a partner, or depending on them for comfort during stressful times.
The bond may feel loving and strong, yet it can blur roles and responsibilities. Over time, the child may learn to prioritise the needs of others above their own, setting the stage for patterns of people-pleasing, low self-esteem, or anxiety in adult relationships.
How It Shows Up in Adult Life
When a child grows up feeling responsible for a parent’s emotions, it can leave a deep imprint. As adults, many notice familiar themes appearing again and again in their relationships — often without realising why.
You might:
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find yourself people-pleasing to keep the peace, even when it leaves you drained;
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feel anxious or guilty when you put your own needs first;
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struggle with low self-esteem, believing you’re “not enough” unless you’re taking care of others;
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choose partners who feel familiar but ultimately unfulfilling;
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experience burnout from carrying emotional weight in family, friendships, or work.
For some, these struggles appear as anxiety or depression, often tied to the sense that life feels exhausting or relationships never quite “work.” For others, there’s a lingering feeling of being different or disconnected — something that can be especially strong for those living with ADHD or Autism.
It’s Not About Blame
Looking back at childhood patterns can easily stir guilt or resentment — toward ourselves or our parents. But most parents do the best they can with the resources and support they have. Turning to a child for comfort often comes from love, not harm.
What matters isn’t labelling anyone as “bad,” but recognising how these dynamics may have shaped you.
Understanding the past offers a chance to pause, notice repeating patterns, and begin to choose something different.
How Therapy Can Help
Exploring these patterns in therapy can bring new awareness of why certain struggles keep showing up.
Linking early experiences with current relationships often eases self-blame and opens the door to change.
Therapy can help you:
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recognise your own needs;
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set healthier emotional boundaries;
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rebuild self-esteem and confidence;
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find new ways to communicate that feel balanced and authentic.
For those who identify as neurodivergent, making sense of these experiences can be especially meaningful.
Therapy provides a space to reframe feelings of being different, explore strengths as well as challenges, and nurture a stronger sense of identity and belonging.
The aim isn’t to change who you are — but to create space to feel more valued, connected, and at ease in yourself and your relationships.
In Summary
What’s sometimes described in the media as “emotional incest” is better understood as the impact of blurred emotional boundaries in childhood.
These experiences are far more common than many realise, and they rarely arise from ill intent.
By understanding how early family roles shape adult relationships, it becomes possible to recognise patterns, make different choices, and begin relating in ways that feel balanced, authentic, and fulfilling.